Have you had your reality check today?  Don't worry, it's in the mail.

Life comes and goes, and is now a monthly.

Happiness is not all it's cracked up to be.

Love will come looking for you, with an angry spouse.

A stitch in time will ruin your clock.

Anyone who makes a blanket statement is a fool.

Happiness and good fortune inevitably happen to someone else.

Pirates are their own worst enemies.

Relax, relax, it's only a game.

Always look for the silver trashcan lining.

Hormones are nature's way of keeping the species alive.

Yes, your boss is looking over your shoulder.

Death, doom and destruction loom... so have a nice day.

Reality will be less painful than usual today.

You have the ability to make vague, general statements about your life.

Reality is the leading cause of stress, for those in touch with it.

Live each day to the fullest.  It may be your last.

Don't buy things with money you don't have to impress people you don't like.

You have a very optimistic outlook on life, for no good reason.

Always remember, you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

Life to you is a series of dashing and adventurous crises.

Any problem in your home can be fixed, except that leaking faucet.

Cooperate with those who have both know-how and bail money.

Don't contemplate any action that will bring down the wrath of God.

Adjusting finances and making budgets won't help when you're broke.

Any active moves you make tomorrow will backfire, so stay home.

An ear to the ground and nose to the grindstone can be painful.

The path to enlightenment requires a flashlight with fresh batteries.

You will find tap dancing easier if you use both feet.

Remain resolute and unwavering when shirking your duty.

Somewhere is lurking a hailstone that has your name on it.

You suspect your computer is more intelligent than you, for good reason.

Your emotional ties aren't color coordinated with your suits.

You can take it or leave it if someone just clues you in as to what "it" is.

Anxiety is nature's way of getting you out of bed on time.

If your life is stuck in a rut... stuck in a rut... stuck in a rut...

Threatening forces oppose your move to Cleveland.

Blaming others can become a satisfying way of life.

Catastrophes to others are everyday events to you.

You possess an unhealthy diversity of interests.

A libertarian, immoral society is enticing you to excesses.  Enjoy.

Your Yin and Yang are no longer on speaking terms.

If at first you don't exceed, try, try again.

Paranoia isn't as much fun as it used to be.

You will encounter a tall, dark stranger... your probation officer.

To err is human, to forgive... unlikely.

If God had not invented computer games, man would have to do so.

It's okay to call someone stupid; just don't prove it.

If justice rules the universe, we are all in trouble.

There ain't no such thing as a free lunch... unless you own the restaurant.

Wise men learn much from fools.  Wise guys don't.

You will live in interesting times and, if lucky, survive them.

Goodness is the root of all evil.

Prayers are always answered.  The answer is usually no.

The answer to everything can be found on page 135 of your phone directory.

Shouldn't you be doing something productive?

The race is not always to the swift, but that's the way to bet.

If you don't understand what I just said, don't worry.  Neither do I.

If I knew what was going on, do you think I'd be here?

If I could predict fortunes, do you think I'd still be here?

A loaded .357 always beats a full house.

The best revenge is not living well.  The best revenge is revenge.

Your future will be easier to digest than this cookie.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

The only constant since the beginning of time is change.

Why do those who speak loudest always have the least to say?

Time exists solely to prevent everything from happening at once.

On a clear disk you can seek forever.

A rose by any other name would still attract aphids.

Someday your ship will come in, but you'll be at the airport.

A bird in the hand can be messy.

Playing Shanghai is the foremost requirement for a long, happy life.

Due to inflation, all clouds will now be lined with zinc.

The only truly irreplaceable thing is time

Why do you think they call it a joystick?

Life's a glitch, then you play Shanghai too.

Reality is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

For dieters, a waist is a terrible thing to mind.

For some people, being self-conscious is as awake as they ever get.

Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.

Management's role is to make it as hard as possible to get the work done.

Beware of bathrooms with towels reading His, Hers, and Its.

That one tile you need to win at Shanghai is destined to be on the bottom.

Malice is merely stupidity raised to a higher power.

Put off procrastinating till a later time.

If you can't make it work, make a statistic of it.

Research is when you're puttering around without a clue to what's what.

It's easier to curse a candle than light the darkness.

Cleanliness is next to "clean-limbed," in the dictionary.

Only in soap operas are all of life's crises resolved by Friday.

Familiarity breeds.

Always be diplomatic before inserting a knife in your enemy's back.

A friend in need is a pest.

The less said about the law of diminishing returns, the better.

Don't give up the ship! Give up the captain.

Not all politicians should be shot.  One should be saved for the archives.

Time accelerates with age.

For many, the declension of life is: I go, you go, ego.

Irregular verbs are on sale in the bargain basement.

Moderation in all things should be practiced sparingly.

Remember to leave 15% for the tip of the iceberg.

People who spout platitudes have attitudes that allow no latitude.